Personal Jealousy

22 06 2010 Poetry

You want some of my time?

You.

You think that you deserve some of the time that is mine always,
that I can give to you if I feel you are worthy, you want to consume me?

May I warn thee:

To consume me before I am ready to know you results in a most bitter meal.  In fact I am so jealous of my time I near fury when I realized I might have wasted some of it.  Might sound odd, but it wasn't too long ago that I didn't have this problem and I might say I didn't care much at all about time or being on time.  Now, again, it is one of the most important things to me.  I have friends to thank for this.  They realized that I was aloof and merely resting in the eddy's of the current life.  They fashioned new timely souls for my vessel; little did they know how my spirit uses such forecast ed ailments.

That and working air conditioning, we can see how fast that is changing.  Car - nope.  House - not my room yet. 

My time, me, me, me, meeeeeeee.  I am selfish with me, I can't share myself with you without resenting it.

My goals, my loves, my time.

Get yourself some of your own, we can share ourselves with each other... but this me do for you when you do no do just kills me.

My time is valuable for men and women wish to use it.  I am a fixer, a repair technician with a mission to love.

Spread it out, smother it over, get it working.  My mind, my hands, my heart are all conditioned for the mission.

Missionary is too hairy, I'd rather deal with digital.  The I/O isn't imaginary.

You can have a piece.  A flavor savor you should endeavor - keep on your tongue, the flavor might be fun, it won't be around very often hun.

Waste not, want not, appreciate what is given, appreciate whats hidden for you never know what when into what came to you.

My heart the martyr won't let me live without finding my cup less without with my not having had it.  If I can't share, then I don't feel whole.  This is the calm of peace, the resting of pieces, the relaxation of places.  Such is my circle of energy and balance of life, gladly, I recognize that it is a changing thing, like the seasons, I am waiting for reasons that I can't be jealous anymore.  Either too busy to be jealous or too comfortable to care, until then, my future, my calendar, I stare.


Spontenaeity

04 05 2010 Poetry

Spontaneity
A novel naivety
that pleasantry

Wit, derived from choice happen-stance.

Through coordinated motion, entrance.

This skill for the inny is rather foreign.  It is to easy to spend the rest of the time thinking about it or weighing the options and waning down to minimal random.

Through these motions a enrapture is formed.  Trust is bonded and expanded vision is seen.

How and what do you create random with you really don't know random?

The only answer I know to this is to try to get to know the one of your enamour, you look for cues, for hints to thinks that you both would recognise.  Maybe concepts, or jokes on concepts, especially if you find puns to be some of the higher grades of humour out there.

In my minds eye, I think it no different than the reason we are all here.  To come to greater understanding, love, and provide for future.

On a completely random note, has anyone else looked so close at the pixels on their laptop that they see each one plainly yet there is that center waiver and wondered if anyone else has ever done that.  Or that random floaty thing in your eye (its the blood vessels from when you were a baby).  That keeps me up at night.



Understanding

22 11 2009 Poetry

The sunlight billows into the airs
Stirring thought throughout,
The buzz I feel as waves that
Prickle and tickle the hairs.

Intelligence as its own energy
Moves through the warming bodies
Degrees bringing together
Acute understanding synergy.

The populous courts with empty
Judgment for none can perceive
The true motivation or
Have divine coordination pity.

Draw into me you, make my heart
Warm with the growth and understanding
Of eons and worlds of thought,
Compassion, and care from the start.



Open Invite

22 11 2009 Poetry

What is important is not that you give everything,
Instead that you don't hold everything to yourself.
What is important is not that you love everything,
Instead that you don't love only yourself.
What is important is not that you wish all to all,
Instead that you don't only think of you.

Open heart invites love
Open lives welcome care
Open ideas share wealth

For you I give me openly
For us I share unconditionally
For all I wish only the best.


Random Ramble

15 07 2009 Poetry

It seems that alcohol is my conduit to better blogging; maybe just blogging in general anymore.  I don't seem to have anything to say otherwise.  Please be prepared for the worst and best of my meandering through intellect and reason.

 Why don't I have a girlfriend?  If I knew the answer to this, I think I might be due the Pulzter Prize.  Thats right, I would have solved a writting and reason piece of the cosmos that made the world a better place.  I don't know.  This in it's self might be the answer.

Words of reason and lessons of life have let me know that I should pursue all and take what meets me the most.  As such I have tried this method and I might say, I have had the worst success in this lately.  The age of my generation seems to not want what meets them the most, so how are they in themselves going to cross the intersteallar boundries to meet what seems to meet them well?  Can't answer that.  Wish I could.  So it seems that life tells you to go after everthing or go after nothing.  These are polar opposites and in the least, nothing in the same.

 We are going to interrupt this train of thought to mention that there is a very specific difference between friends and partners.  Friends don't care.  Friends just give.  They often know what is in your better judgement even when you don't and are often the first to suggest it.  These people are the ones that you should trust in.

That is not to say that you can't trust in your partner, because, if it worked out as effectively as it could, your friend became your partner.  Many can't handle this, and so, I move back to how do you find a partner?

Wow.  If I knew the answer to this I think I would make the world spin and life continue happening, I would be the saving grace to marriage in general and my spot as a Wedding DJ would be secured for life.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Yeah, DJing in general is pretty cool, but being the matchmaker and master of ceremonies would be the bomb.  Since I like solving puzzels and fixing problems this could be the greatest crecendo known to mankind save making cold fusion happen.

How do you match yourself, that person that you are with someone else that you don't know yet.  Maybe even someone else that is searching as well and you seem to have hard time alinging yourself with?  Ah, this is impossible.  (ok audience, at this point I have turely started talking to myself)  Is it, is it really impossible.  Isn't that how people of old made it happen?  We had pre-selected marriages.  These were generally between families that knew each other and said their children should be married.  Right.  That totally still happens (it still does, but in other countries... so I am left to myself and whomever else thinks I am worthwhile).

 Hmm.  I make a good point.  Whomever thinks I am worthwhile.  Since I do my best to be as carring, givening, capable, and even-till as possible, this doesn't allow for the greatest selection of girls to think I am worthwhile.  They all (sorry I am generalizing here, but, I'm drunk, you are going to have to deal with it) want someone who actually doesn't care for them up front, but somewhere between 2 and last.

Is this my selflessness kicking me in the ass?  Yes, it is.

God damn does that hurt the inner morals.

How do I care for my partner if I don't put her first?  (since you care for yourself you put your partner first because you are already there?)  Ah, that almost works, but honestly, you have to care for yourself first or your partner will intrensicly know that you don't have a backbone and will go for someone that treats them like shit cause obviously they care for someone else more first.

 Ah, why didn't I see this earlier?  Treat your partner like shit and she will know you care for you first and THEN her and she will feel comfortable.

 FUCK THAT.

 I want to be my god damn forsaken self when I date a lady and take care of her and thereby take care of myself.  Not like I won't feed myself and then her, I gotta eat damnit, but fuck.  What if I do listen to her and her issues.  This does NOT make me her bff, but her partner that knows the masculine side of how the cards are played.

Log of late, you have done okay.  You are at least not living with your Dad and are working to take care of yourself.  This is a complicated task and you are working as you best can to make ends meet.

 Thank you self,
I appreciate your efforts!


Two Lame

11 06 2009 Poetry

There is no XBox 360 Open Source Media Plugin for Linux.  I found this out after hours of labors compiling and sorting of system development files on my CentOS 5.2 Server.

You can not, currently, share your library as you see fit with your XBox 360. This thing really is great for playing media and it allows you to kill your friends, and get really great titles played like, Halo 3. Needless to say HAWX is also a huge favorite and Quake 4, but I think my destruction power is best delt on a PC with that one.

This started with the words Open Source right? Why's this guy salivating over titles. Heh, you said salivating.

I spent about four hours getting Adobe CS4 Suite, Office 2007, and the rest of a Profile setup on a customer's computer. Yeah, I like multitasking. It rocks. While trying to compile MediaTomb. Which really is an amazing program. If you own a PS3. (We have mutiny in the ranks!)

Seriously to any of you PS3 owners out there, this thing is MADE for you. Your Linux library of media will be at your dual joystick fingertips in probable surround sound and hdmi none the less.

Guess that means trying to negotiate with uShare again - doesn't share the library correctly, uses an older form of ffmpeg to run the transcoding, needs to distinctify between video, music, and library sections.

When building MediaTomb from scratch, it is especially difficult to read the how to written for Ubuntu and apply it to a CentOS system. The package names are completely different and honestly, I am running X64... it makes a huge difference and finding the programs being called or getting the source and compiling them is a chore. My guess is that MediaTomb needs to check into the hack or patch that someone made for uShare and allows the XBox to know that it is a valid UPNP Media device on the network (probably a ping back or some other token that allows recognition).

One of the custom compiled code pieces is actually called TwoLame. Wows. They have LAME which you have to use when you get Audacity working on a computer and often on Linux systems. It is an Open Source MP3 format that allows for huge compression and decompression of audio streams that used to be 150 to 200 MBs and now are 4 and 5 MBs, and then the modern day iPod. TwoLame was necessary for MediaTomb to be able to play DVD content and transcode it into something the XBox 360 wants to understand.

This image is really because the server is running two different virtual oses while it runs, but as you can see, the weight on the server is minimal even still.  Soon I will benchmark the system a bit and post some results.  It is kind of like when your kid brings home a report card with A's on it.  You just glow.

You see, the Xbox 360 wants WMV and WMA content or the real deal CD or DVD - over a network, it doesn't care about anything unless a Windows Media Center 2003 or 2005 or Vista or someone else that has paid to use a codec to send data to the Xbox 360. Kind of Lame. Right? Two Lame indeed.


What pain is in my heart

22 03 2009 Poetry

Emptiness go away.

Seems only the struggle is here to stay.

If in life, relationships are like hotel rooms, then I am a bellhop.

Where is my room?


The Tao

05 03 2009 Poetry

Can not be taught.

It must be felt.

Tao means "the way" or "the path".
- Wikipedia

Such is the way that it is explained.  Funny enough, once you try to explain anymore about it, it feels trite.  Half there, and empty in explanation.  You feel like your cheating your audience.  Funny enough, I felt this way when I was taught organized religion, and now that I get to look back on the teachings that I still remember, they have so much more value.  I have facites within my structure of the Tao that articulate and enuciate the particulate of the Bible.

Another underlining theme is the idea that you use action with inaction.  In other words you cause things to happen by NOT creating the cause or maybe more correctly, not answering the cause and just filling in your part.  Don't rock the boat could be a very limiting view point of this (back when constant bantering, the very alive communication was only in the bar and even then you could find the reflective, the quiet zen, inaction was not such a strange thought, now-days, there is a constant exchange of energy, I would say that since global conciousness, immediate converstation is almost current, it is so much more impossible to describe the Tao as a being contained within inaction).  If I could modernize this, it would be the notion that you notice the need and that life creates the pieces that fill the void that has just been instantiated.  The puzzle wants to be solved does it not?  Isn't that why we are all here?  How else is that not the case?

Wikipedia has a nice way of putting this modernly (I read a really old book about it - still am), wu wei (effortless action), literal translation without action and is often said as, wei wu wei (action without action) in teachings.  Action, if truely effortless, looks like inaction as you can really tell if they did it, or if it happened of its own accord.  That might be the eccense of the idea, that the universe moves for you, and in that, even though things have happened, you didn't directly cause them and in fact, look comfortable in your non-motion.

In life there is entropy.  Entropy is the explination for the chaos that is innately within all life.  Generally, the less entropy there is in system, then the more order there is.  The energy that animates the existence is merely an action within a container, within an order array.  Some molecules or atoms, even systems have quite a lot of stability desire and yet, most systems are quite volital given the evironment.  The thing is, after this big bang, this extreme release of energy and expansion throughout the known universe, after matter is strewn out into the void, after things start to collect and order themselves inside galaxies, suns, planets, and stuctures of our universe, there was an order keeping and guiding certain things towards the end that they met.

Degrees of chance?  More or less.  In what I can only describe as a tunneling of direction (life is direction and momentum (attraction could be added here) - break it down to its smallest piece or take it to its largest amount - these three help make up what causes this entity to interact the way it does), somewhat like a funnel, all things are guided towards and end.  Evolution is merely a description of that effect.  Suns eat planets.  They eat each other, and the stronger one wins.  It "breeds" and grows.  The energies that were contained within are now shared and spread to its constiuents.

Fate is not totalitarian.  I am not sure this exists within the Tao, other than, Tao might be considered fate.  Fate would just be an attribute, and since it isn't a governing body in the flow (another description for how the Tao passes) then it can't really be said to govern your life.  You are a part of this too, but in that, to have as much harmony (to synchronize with the energy waves) with the Tao (the energy life force we are all a part of) gives you a certain deciding factor or specifically, helps you not be concerned with the outcome and generally, helps improve the outcome.

Think this way, if you could think of life as being this great flow we are a part of, then if you were able to coast within the flow, using the eddies, using the dips, and using the white-water in its most effective (to each their own flow and to each their own best method) way of transport, you should probably have a fairly good grasp of the Tao.  Also, you might notice that if you swim against the current or make turbulent actions within a flow of this current, the water around you and behind you is sullied with chaos and disorder.  You have disrupted the harmony of the flow of the Tao river.

Hope you enjoyed this rough modernization and my personal + wikipedia's notes, interpretation of Taoism.  To each their own, as in my eyes, many other Taoists, a few other organized religions, it is all one and to see it seperately is to remove yourself from it (to remove yourself from Him to some).

I will imagetize this in the morning, there will be improvements.


Abstractaco infurations simplistica

07 02 2009 Poetry
Whereas the thought of the action preseeds
the result is never quite the same
Mind walking without Gepeato's strings
can journey back from and to great things

Touch the thing you see and it will cease
to be the same for which you touched it
Praise away nay the play and instead
so much you love without loving the host

Love the actions and the existence
that the one generating such peace
can rain it to all subjects within her
gia.

- Jim McKibben

Getting this out - live and love (response to someone loosing someone else)

29 08 2008 Poetry

Some time ago I read a writing that was about how a girl had someone that she cared about take their life. It was a most humbling read because it was rather simple and happy yet, back in the underwritings you saw how much was outside of her control. This moved me and I felt a certain desire to reach out and connect with her.

Pepsi (name changed for anonymity),

Who decides how we get to influence those around us? This question defines the helplessness that one can feel when they meet a wall and want to assist someone but find their energies funnel into a void. The void is an object that has no immediate affect on the person that has it, but it works like a black hole for all of the light that circles around the one needing it. It would seem that the moth in this case, draws the light to it instead of seeking out the candle or the light, the candle throws its light towards our friend the moth. The luminescence of the room even convenes and collects, correcting the actions and methods of the moth.

Many are the candles for each moth, for even if the moth thinks there is no one seeing it because it can't see itself or whatever other blinder our friend the moth has fuzzed over to be more happy with it's environment there are many that continually throw their radiance towards the moth. Generally a moth or any other moving object can really only be controlled by one main force at a time. A planet is generally controlled by one major sun that it orbits around... it would be a rather un-natural orbit if say there were two suns that a planet were to circle around.

In this, the moth has to want to take in the light's energy. If for some reason they are looking elsewhere or aren't absorbing what is shinning all around them, then who made it so they weren't observing? This would be the moth's responsibility. If the moth can't desire help, it the moth further, thinks there is nothing wrong with its current course, then you will see it continually vier off course. The course that is being vier off would be the one that could be most beneficial to the helpless. No one is truly helpless there are just different levels of correct power that an individual will posses. They share this light, this energy with those around them and it important that they do not burn themselves out by shining it as well as that they don't burn so bright, they are not able to see other lights around them.

I knew a moth that was a rare find. She had all of the decorations of the loving respectful princess. She spread her wings to those around her and encouraged people to fly on the currents that she found. She was good at finding them too. Constantly with the helpful mind, yet not too strong that she couldn't be helped. This was how it was when I first saw this beauty.

As we flew on together, wings flapping and fluttering in love and happiness we both ran into our own walls, our own lessons to grow from. The greatest thing about this process is that we encouraged each other to continue afterwards. We recommended a course to assist with the future development, we desired to see the other move in ways that assisted themselves. This is what makes the snuffing out of this one so hard to believe and even harder to understand. There was no way that I couldn't believe it happened. At the funeral with all of our friends, family members crying and holding each other with caring sobbing arms you knew this wasn't something you could ignore, you couldn't convince yourself that this hadn't happen. It would be nice if you could imagine it, it would be heaven if you could actually say with certainty that the horrid news that you had been informed of, was not true. Friends that just barely knew and others that knew very well the intimacy that we experienced with each other were there to give their support. Still I wished that I would have never gotten that call at 3 am in April. Wishing won't change what has transpired... that I've learned. Also in the very important lessons of life, I've come to know that you can't help those that don't accept the help. Each must help themselves before they can help someone else. If you don't have the power to change yourself, then you don't have the power to affect someone else in a way other than how they will learn from you.

One of the most painful things about this is that it was a few months before this moth was snuffed out, she fluttered down to Columbia and got me a card, got me flowers and thanked me for a simple little computer thing I had helped out with. When I think about how she had reached out to me after I had closed a rather hard door on her I hate myself for my actions. It started a long time ago. Running down the street, my parents had gotten divorced some three or four years ago. I am only in high school and know a couple of the girls down the street and they were playing some basketball. There is another girl with them this time, a rather cute girl with aqua, blue, eye liner. Add in the blond hair, cute expressions, and introverted/extroverted persona and you have quite a sweet moth / flame that I wanted to fly towards at great speeds. All the same, I had only hung out with her, Amanda, for a short time and it wasn't until I was back from going to Kansas City, living in the rave dance culture, experiencing mind blowing journeys through subconscious through and life, and learning a few things about taking care of yourself and others that I meet her again in downtown Columbia. What was interesting is that I barely knew it was her, and she recognized me and asked if I was Jim, the guy that lived up the street from Kim and Amy. Yes I answer as I finally realize where I know this beautiful face from. We exchanged numbers right then and there and started chatting on aim that night.

Ah, America Online never knew they were the ability for two lovers to meet like that, but the interwebs were only too happy to allow our mutual interest to blossom. It was only a few nights later that we hung out together, watch Hackers if I remember right and then a couple nights after that I took her and Kim (different Kim from before... this one is for better or worse definitions, her sister, and a great one at that) out to Applebee's for dinner. I had picked out this great new Kenneth Cole sweater which I wore and still save for only some of the best occasions to wear out. Soon our romance was in full swing and we were experiencing the pleasures and bumps from any new relationship. All the same, we were smitten with ourselves. She helped me learn a thing or two about keeping work at work and home at home. Bringing home the days frustrations to the one that you want to harmonize in joy with tends to break down the happiness that could otherwise be felt. Such a simple thing would be no big deal otherwise, but for me, this was something that I hadn't learned yet and thankfully she was there and willing to teach me instead of throwing me out of her heart. This woman in a young woman's figure, to be honest she was about 18 when we started dating, yet she had the mentality of someone that was 23 at times. All the same, she had the youthful zeal that someone that won't fully grow up keeps at their side. This childlike energy is a beautiful thing for it allows many to overcome huge obstacles because the adult view only sees what it knows, the child is ready to discern that which it doesn't know and enjoy that which it does.

We almost won the costume contest at the Booty Halloween party in STL. We were second place with the guy from Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas winning – he had the part down to a science... completely acting the part. We both helped a number of friends through their own troubles and tried to help a few friends that didn't want it and as it might've turned out today, didn't need it. Since I was quite adept at the computer stuffs, Mandie picked up on what I knew and grew with it. She turned into quite the gamer and from what I know, was a fearsome opponent in Halo, WoW, and Quake (she could give me a run and thats saying something). We survived each of us slipping up on our monogamy and stayed together.

We actually broke up twice, and then got engaged. Why did I ever let her go? If you release the bird and it flies back, is it not a better bird? The engagement lasted for quite a few months and she got herself a nice job in the mall at a store that really fit her style very well and I continued to work at Socket Internet and continued to live with my Dad. Mandie lived with her Mom and we were both rather happy about the whole thing. Eventually though, I noticed a slight change in her responsiveness to me. How much she reached out to me. Unfortunately I knew what this would mean and that I should let her pursue herself as that is where her mind is. If I were to hold her in and keep her where she was, it would just get stagnant and she would want to later break free. It is not loving to hold someone back unless they are going to hurt themselves. That statement might have more truth than even I know, but as I also know, the past is something that has happened, I can't go back and change it.

For lessons to be learned from any experience is to achieve a consciousness that many don't comprehend. It is vital that anyone attempt to take something away from the experience other than remorse and regret. Those feelings do not allow forward movement. Those emotions bottle up and destroy the host. For me to take something away, I suppose I should simply be calling and communicating with my friends more. Stay in touch, more. I do this already but as it happens, I don't really run after my friends to stay in contact with them as they tend to orbit around me to a degree. I might have to change my orbit a bit to realign with any of them, but it is a pretty easy thing really. Especially since none of the orbits are a bond-relationship orbit. Brothers and sisters I have now, not a mate. While I am on the discovery path to find my female counterpart, I will let that one be drawn to me like the moth to the flame. If it is meant to be, then I will be to her like a moth flying to her flame.


Cock-blocked by a 3 yr old

09 02 2008 Poetry
You probably don't get this one too much.

I notice everything.  Going on in a room.  My filters don't seem to have a very useable "on" switch.  To be perfectly honest – it is quite a bit much to handle.  Everything coming in at once, the brain seemingly analyzing it all to the nth degree.  Sometimes I go so far into the analysis, response no longer seems important.  Chess can happen that way – you forward think the movements so much, you forget where you were going to start with them.  In all honesty, for me, this is around 5 moves.  Once I get more than 5 planned it starts to get pretty difficult.

This is how some will describe ADD.  Attention Deficit Disorder is what I have become quite aware I have.  Tested for it in High School and prescribed one form of medication, a type of Ritalin, and turned into a Type A personality (for the uninformed, this means ASSHOLE – but could be described by others as a very motivated individual, just very uncaring) BUT noticed how the static went away.  The extra stuff that kept moving me away from whatever I might have been focusing on.  Seriously – you even are going somewhere after something and get there and not know what you set out to get.  Also makes for very interesting conversations where you have to remind yourself what you were talking about.  Pretty cool ehh?  When good humored people are around it can be a lot of fun but cause one thing you CANNOT EVER forget about in life is that you CAN and most often SHOULD laugh at yourself.  You don't have to do like 2003 Damnoen Saen-um, a Thai ice cream salesman, who is reported to have died while laughing in his sleep at the age of 52.  Must've been some dream right?  He's not alone in this, on March 24th 1975 Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer from King's Lynn, England, died laughing while watching an episode of The Goodies, featuring a Scotsman in a kilt battling a vicious black pudding with his bagpipes.  After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter Mitchell finally slumped on the sofa and expired from heart failure. His widow later sent the Goodies a letter thanking them for making Mitchell's final moments so pleasant.  Okay I took that one directly from Wikipedia, god those guys do good work.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah ADD.  They should write one of those you might have ADD if books.  I should probably be the one to do it.  Who knows, I might even be able to stay on track long enough to make a few of them and then do it again a few times… never know.  This also shows one of my other traits – I have a very creative personality.  This is a strength that gets shown every now and then, which by the way is a great candy like star-bursts, and is only one of the facets that makes up my person.

One of my other facets is that I have a very strong feeling I have either a dissociative disorder or a social anxiety.  Probably more on the side of the social anxiety and it would make since if it came from the ADD.  My over perception of my surroundings causes me to psychoanalyze myself around quite a few corners.  That does wonders for one's headspace let me disclose to you!  Yet the way to let all of that deflate is through that self appreciating laughter.  You could say this should be obvious, but we are our own worst critiques.  See, it is so important to note a feature of you – decide if you like it or don't like it and do something about it to continue that activity or siphon it off your portrait.  People with ADD are always late right?  Yes, we are.  So, I have a calendar because I know I won't remember hardly anything I do otherwise.  It is kept online – and I can access it from about anywhere.  This is my other way of coping with some of the affects my slightly stilted reality must endure.  With all of these abilities and cravats I take the world on, both horns at a time.  The bull rushes at me as if I were bathed in red – hell I could probably out shine the best lights of the red light districts in Tokyo Town.  Doesn't matter though, it is my enjoyment to champion my persona with my future.
I'm in great shape.  Have quite a number of friends.  Have kept a plant and animal alive for some time and am even living on my own (well, it's one room mate).  These are accomplishments that I have.

Now I set myself towards finishing my BIS with a minor in Business Management at Columbia College.  The doors are opening before me, it is up to me to walk through, clam the room, and finally start earning equity on the establishment.  The first week at work was excellent – I got to fix several issues, see direct results of my actions and found out that I work with quite a few witty, intelligent, and caring co-workers.  A little change from corporate-sell-your-soul America?  Quite.

Wish me luck, this is going to be my greatest achievement to date.  I will finish College just after I turn 30, which is about the same time my father got his feet under him and meet my mom.  While a sophisticated girl beside me would be the cherry on top, I know this happens with or without my direct guidance or effort.  It happens to be a by-product of a near-close relationship where the girl wants to get to know you, but you don't let her directly so she is constantly trying to get into your head.  Since you both have your own goals and mutually care about each other's goals, it works.  The thing that is so vital for me is to remember that my ADD mind MUST stay on track and not fall off course or get pre-occupied with thoughts of things that can't/won't happen.  Let the world revolve around, one day the rubrics cube will fall into place – you can't rush a good thing and you certainly can't force it either.
So I meet a girl recently that is married and has a kid, she seems to be a lot like me in that she has a predisposition to notice quite a lot.  In this she has noticed how her presence causes the energy in a situation to become more chaotic.  Yes, I cause by mere presence, chaos.  You might think this is neat and that it would be great to be never bored, yet this is quite another arrangement.  In this collage, you see me with a flurry of action around me that may not directly affect me.  Usually does, but still I have friends that have noticed this as well.  In talking to this lady as I worked on her computer, her son, a boy no greater than 4 starts working to get extra attention from Mom and directs it towards the father.  Yes, this kid cock blocks me without having a clue what he is doing and probably why as well.  Hhaa haaaaa!  I was FINE with this, the mom was honestly paying WAY too much attention my way and it was almost leaving me feeling odd.  What I couldn't believe was that I felt at home with someone else that lives such a chaotic life or that short-stuff was able to see what was going on as well as he did.

So key note – love yourself, love your neighbor, love life and don't try to hit on 3 yr old's moms that are married and in fact, hitting on married women is probably not in the allowed swimming pool activities list.

Much love to all my friends, you are my heroes,
Jonny5

Forsaken == disposed

15 12 2007 Poetry
In the end you are only left judging yourself.
If someone else lets the judging that another did affect them,
it was their choice to let that happen.
You must make yourself available to receive outside influence.
So then, if you are mainly judging yourself,
do you lie or do you open your eyes to your flaws,
and marvel at the things you did right?

Most people can see through the malaise that another has up,
they can tell if someone is lying to themselves, and even if not right away,
it does become evident through the products of their actions.
You can tell yourself how beneficial you are
based on the products of your own actions.
Those that are closer to the lighter and dark side of the force
will migrate to those that share similar ideals.

The question then is really, what keeps you up at night?

Some think about God.  Since he/she is portrayed as a benevolent force a society could do a lot of good by following the ideals that make up "God".  Aside from the acts of faith, or more specifically, acts of the Holy Spirit that have been noticed or possibly documented over time, it could be said that the organized religion is nothing more than the collection of rules that a group in society want to judge themselves on.  They hold up ideals and a prize at the end of the tunnel to keep the believer holding them in check.  Human nature is to make a situation work for that person for the better - I'd like to think that some do this without even noticing all the consequences of their actions - and so this is why we see so many control structures in organized religion with paths of terror and death.

The ends justify the means?

Ah, we could okay about any action if that was true.

Even though the one holding the gravel at the end of the day
is you for the one you look at in your reflection,
if you ignore the often obvious amount of self awareness
that another has you can pretty well judge yourself
by the types of those that you keep around yourself and
consider the one that looks like you in the glass to be
fairly empty and shallow.

While I don't want to leave anyone behind.  I hate the idea
of forsaking anyone.  If someone was to prove false to themselves,
I would have a very difficult time wanting to keep them around me.

Am I disposing of that individual?  Could it be said that they disposed of themselves?  If they have gotten to know me at all, they should possibly know that my intention is true, communication is key, and that love is honest.  If they value my opinion or even me then they, as well as I, will proceed with a course of action that continues the connection between us.  Heh, if you don't dispose of it, then you are holding onto it right?

Don't become a pack rat of that which you have touched.  I suppose it would be better to be a pack rat of society than the hermit with almost nothing since most other things have been disposed of (yes I know that not EVERYTHING is a direct recourse of actions performed - that is what unjust actions are all about).  Maybe something similar to a pack rat, someone that can put something away or even give it to a friend but accept it back after time has passed is where the ideal is.  You are never forsaking or disposing of anything, if something makes itself useless, then you do what you do with useless stuff, remove it from yourself, yet accept it back when the situation changes for the better.  Nothing is useless you say?

Ah, that's why you have your baby teeth still right?

Oh, you have it in a jar from when you grew up, pack rat.

Belief vs Fact

23 10 2007 Poetry

When you believe in something you want to put it in a place in your heart to safe guard it.  Sometimes you might say that you don't even need to safe guard it... but really, you believe this right, it is something that you would put above most other things and in that way, you have put it on a petistel.  Don't want that falling off of the petistel right?  Of course not, which is why you put up barriers around this believe, and assertations that allow you to prove that above all doubt, you believe this one thing.


Fact is something that many or all (more correctly all, but since in most democratic nations they allow the freedom of thaught and even some that don't - people still god damn think for themselves we will keep this as accurate as possible) believe is correct.  Fact is a direct result of having a belief in something and then proving its truth over and over and over and over and over you get the idea again.

In this way, fact is a result of faith which is brought together by belief.

By the way... check out this link - amazing. (will work soon)

So, the interesting thing about having beliefs is that if enough people believe something to be true, it generally is.  In fact, it almost always either is already true or it becomes true.

This is the very interesting thing about having an assertive faith system were you communicate and share your beliefs with those around you.

Ok - here is the neat thing.  I have this idea about sharing the idea of peace.  Yes, peace.  The treating of others with good will and care and not ripping off someone or forsaking them.  There is a t-shirt that I have thought of making recently, it kind of just came to me after dancing in my car to a pretty good beat and realizing that some people, namily a pretty funky dood that could dance on rollerskates would dance on the crossroads of Broadway and Providence and smile and wave at passersby.  It was almost serene in its presenation.  Here's a man that is beside himself in happiness that he wants to just listen to his music and allow other's to enjoy his good mood and smile back at him.  Best way to start a smile is to share a smile right?


My method is about the same, instead, in this case, I will have a t-shirt that says "Peace for all, lets all roll this ball" on the front and on the back "Dontcha wish you were doing this too?".  Simple, discrete, kind, and smilie.  I'd be doing about what the other dood does, except, with the statement and with maybe better dancing.  Although I can't do the rollerskate thing, it would be possibly break dancing or maybe something a little like pop and lock.

Where do we decied to quit just watching and start making motions in the water... changing out the ocean breaks or how the river water pours.  My hearts desire is to not disturb the ebb and flow.  That is my Taoist detatchment.  One of the issues that I think arrives from having this detatchment is that others are disallowed to view how things good be.  They are removed from lessons.  I would like to put a lesson on the view, but allow others to shift from their seat or possibly avert their waters motion on their own.  Where I would be is on a street corner, perferably not a huge one... and most likely one where similar others have been doing the same.  I won't stand out, and if someone takes the time to notice and take in instead of brushing off or by - they too will enjoy another moment amunst the many.


(her name is Joy... laugh)


Visionairy vision is scary

05 10 2007 Poetry
Art is a purpose extended to the participant asking them to enroll their mind into a brief view of understanding.  The works of Gustav Klimt have always really resonated with me, usually it is The Kiss that I find facinating.  Kisses to me are incredibly strong or can be and he shows the power of the motion, the care of the caress, and the almost lift of love when you look at how they seem suspended yet are reaching for each other.  To really dive in to another's perspective can be transporting, you see maybe friendships, or structure in the following piece.  Also note the ball of color and girl is many varied yet the background is a dull brown, earth?  The other thing that seems to get me is the constant yet almost syncronous intermingling of color patterns.  These seem to almost be programmed to cause me to feel different as if they themselves convey an emotion that I am reaching to understand.


The Maidaines
Gustav Klimt

Uninhibited views seem to allow for more sight of an area.  It is probably this that causes me to appreciate beauty in so many ways - dangerous beauty, kind beauty, spontaneteous beauty, and calculated beauty to name a few.  Yet, what is it that inhibits our view?  Does anything, do we even realize it.  Wait, I do not need to send my reader into that pragmatic thought pattern.  What if, day by day, your eyes enjoyed opening more and more?  Don't concern yourself with where you can't see today, jump to where you see tomorrow.

Tao philosophy is a pillar of kindness in colloseum of methods and its ideal of spontaneity is wonderous.  If everything would be in spontaneiteous order (yes order) there would be this immense flow that would be eveloping all around us.  Could it be that you have left spontaneity behind?  Is it possible that I could leave it behind?  Just like the luggage that I run to at the airport, my spontaneity is something that I will keep ingrained into my being for all my days.  While to make certain journies I have to check it into the over head compartment, other times, it gets stored underneath my feet, and what I really hate, is checking my fucking bags at the plane of schedules.

Seeing is believing
Sight lies within

See the color for the black and white
Lines in the art create barriers
Extend your vision

Not yourself, outside yourself
Back at yourself

Outside in sans inside out

Mirror to result mirrored phases
Rooting in different soil makes
Tremendous differences in the same
Yet each tree of the human (forest) is never the same
Get the most from your environment
Share the shade of your branches
Give the fruit of your works
Forget fear of love

Lust in Love?

11 10 2004 Poetry

For where to find its happiness,
it seems to always be running,
but never tires in its search.

One day you may be in its arms,
the next you will be in the streets,
of torture and agony in missing.

Keep your head up and your eyes forward,
you never know what may come down,
that path of highest love and rapture.

Author:
James Paul McKibben