Heavy: The Gravity of It All

Growth of love, such an intangible concept, can't be grasped, can't be contained, can't be measured, can't be fixed, can't be returned, can't be turned off, can't be turned on.

The thing is you will almost always know when it is there.  When you and another one have found it you will know as they won't be able to give up, they too will have a drive to see you, to understand you, to be what you have always wanted, and to be your everything.

Life isn't meant to be easy and while I've shared some of my troubles earlier, I have to thank my love for her communication this weekend.  It has been a tough time the past bit here and I've gotten rather bruised from the interactions and honestly, have grown very tired of it.  I've been trying to converse with Erica about this and I realized in writings these that I have to communicate my needs to Erica.  You can't really tell someone what not to do, and not tell them what you want them to do.  One of the reasons why they might be doing what you don't want them to do is because they don't know what they could do instead.  I must admit, I was a bit scared that Erica didn't care anymore and wouldn't want to see it halfway, but, she's still here and because she started to talk about it.  She has told me about the families history, asked me to be the bank (and not just the financial side of things, but for medicine as she has a bit of an addictive personality), and growing to the idea that we can have our own things to do from time to time.

That last thing is very subtle and difficult to explain.  More or less, even though Erica is fiercely independent, she is also fiercely dependent in that she doesn't feel very sure of herself or could just be the trust she felt between her and I.  In this she didn't really even try to understand my "me" time or the effect of my dreams, my desires, my inspiration.  She is now giving me a little bit of that personal time that I want to work on my stuff and I love it.  It's a little different, not wanting to work on your own stuff because you don't want to get in the way of your loved one.  Realizing that separating yourself from you will never work, and then once communicated, your lover hears and responds.  It was awesome.

One thing I must work on is how I communicate a difference of opinion or even a difference of understanding of information or fact.  Erica gets rather sure of something and telling her otherwise is difficult.  Choose my battles.  There may be a day when I have to agree that the sky is orange, but, I guess I can take that and be okay with it.  So long as I don't ever have to agree with a lie about myself, I will be okay with this.  I even said as much and Erica agreed, but, my competitive nature and over-thinking brain doesn't help when you have someone that isn't ready to debate or think everything into ad infinitum.  Who really wants to debate that much?  I guess I can try to choose my debates a little better too.  More personal time?  I wonder how I can use that?

While I play a strong man in real life, I am a weak sensitive depressed man inside.

That's right. My life is not as easy or as simple as I make it, and I don't even do a good job of making it look that easy!

There are only a few things in this world that make me happy.  I've come to learn what those are in the past couple years and it is vital that I keep those things around in my life as they are my few sources of motivation and inspiration.  I'm sure you and people you know have things they like to do and of course we all know how important it is to accept and encourage us in pursuing those ventures.  Herein lies the problem.  It is becoming quickly apparent that my lover doesn't care about what I like to do.  It isn't that she doesn't know, I've told her and even asked and found times that work for myself and her so we are sharing our time.  It is that when it is my turn, she feels cheated.  When it is her turn, she doesn't even seem to care.

What is it?  Seriously!  If we care about our time together, then, don't we want to work out when we do stuff and when we do our stuff?  I know she likes to play puzzles and often I do them with her, but, I know she enjoys it more than I so I'll do my stuff every so often when she's doing that.

Am I just overly positive and have to realize that this creature that I feel in love with is just rough around the edges when she's depressed.  Honestly, can she do something about this depression because it is fucking bringing me down.  I have enough trouble feeling happy and seeing the world in the positive way that I like to without someone else's glasses being put over my eyes.

I'm getting tired of it.  Seriously really fucking tired of it.

You can't seem to control your drinking.  You can't seem to want to do things with me outside of drinking.  You can't seem to respect me or trust me when it counts.  You rarely try to talk to me about stuff that I like and I will often bring up stuff you like so we have something to talk about, and of course I bring up stuff I like from time to time especially if you might be interested.  I'm making connections.  You are throwing them out.  You are burning them.  You are cutting the strings that would weave us together and I am soo fucking tired of it.

What can I do to feel like I know that my woman respects, loves, and trusts me.  Honestly, that is about the most important thing for me right now.  I'm a plant and that is my water.  Love, respect, and trust.  I gotta have it or I won't grow.  FUCK!!!  If I can't grow, we can't grow.  I'm pretty sure that's how it works.  You grow as a couple by building up each other, encouraging each other, enjoying each other's company, blah blah blah.  I can't encourage your bad drinking habits cause they are horrible.  Seriously.  You don't even try to do anything to watch yourself, communicate with me if you might be near a black out, you would otherwise seem to not care the next day.  Yes, you say you feel bad, but, in reality, it is obvious you are hiding from the reality of what you are doing.  Eh, I say obvious, but, we've been dealing with this for the past year and a half.  The whole time we've been dating.  You haven't done anything besides agree with me that it is a problem.

Do you know what I go through when you black out?

Seriously?  Besides now being hit three times, in the face, I deal with these statements about every time you black out.  Try to imagine hearing this and being unable to address the question, answer, or even have any form of a real conversation.

"Let's just break up." "Can you say we're over?" "Leave my house." "I don't want to be with you anymore." "Why don't you leave me?"

Sometimes I've miss understood a comment you've made and said something that didn't make sense, or I said something curt back and you jump full into black out mode.  Other times it is a break in us being around each other while we are drinking.  More or less I can tell that you have a very delicate balance when you are well into being drunk.

Is it fair to me to have to walk a tightrope that isn't even honest to itself how much tension it keeps?  No.  It isn't.

Even in your drunken state you seem to know what you are doing, as in, you are pushing me away for some actual reason.  I want to explore this reason and I have tried to when your sober, but, you really just let it fall over.  You don't stick to anything you've said, you seem to weasel out of responsibility for your actions.

I'm seriously fucking sick of this.  I love you, but, grow up or go home. 

Soon, almost less than a month away, is my second certification in my profession and a great pride grows in my heart.  These days of training seem to be going on and on, but, most of the material is stuff I am quite familiar with.

SANS Security 401 is the book I am reading now.  More later.

Love my job! 

The roasting food, a light musical notes with Hot Chip wafting through the air, yesterday's candle still holding its post in the house's ambiance.  Such times bring happiness and calm.  For some, cooking is an gargantuan task that should just be dismissed and replaced with a quick drive through fast food choice.  I must admit, my laziness is about the only thing that will permit a fast food run and I'd rather climb Jack's bean stalk to see what is available than eat fast food.  There's also the cleaning and general return to orderliness that is necessary after cooking in your or someone else's house.  This shared task is best done together with a partner, heck, about anything is better when the weight of the effort or responsibility gets distributed around.  In fact, eating with a loved one is about one of the most enjoyable things you can do... well... besides the other very primal couple activity I can think of.

There are many things that couples do together and separately, yet, how do you know when is the good time to do what?  Communication.  Examination.  Implementation.  Experimentation.  There are many ways, and only a few of them work in certain areas.

While for some time I have been attempting to allow for both of us to have fun or enjoy our time equally when we return home... this is starting to not matter to me anymore.  I have slightly growing demands that must be met.  Nothing right now is to the point whereby I would get in trouble for something late, but, it is becoming increasingly obvious that my partner is looking out for her ability to hang out with her friends / have them over to have fun without really checking with me first.  If this is the case, I should do the same.  While I don't have the same number of friends that like to do social things, or even really drink as much as she might, I do have friends that want to hang out with me.  I haven't been ignoring them.

The other issue is that while we are so low on money, we are barely able to pay for our bills, and she is not doing a thing to improve the situation.  Other than continuing her current work.

Our dog.  She doesn't give herself time in the morning to walk him... because she was up till 3/4 am in the morning drunk, watching the TV loud, waking me up.  Dunno.

My time is heavily important to me, mainly because things I do with my time allow her and I to continue living as we do.  Further, it is becoming less and less easy to continue living as we do OR me doing things I normally do on time.

When is it too much, when am I being an asshole, when do I say no more and stick to it?

I think I just need to work out a bit more, and stick to it.

Last night we had an moment of this.  In the past I've wanted to have a moment together and you were tired/it was too late.  That has been a rather good description of your attitude most of this week, and, in understanding, I did say some things I regret.  This put me out of the snuggle/lets get close mood for my lover.  It took a while to find out exactly what I said that set her off, I really didn't remember because I was barely awake at the time of saying it.

Most men like sex, a lot usually.  In fact, as most men enjoy the release almost as much as the act of making love to the one they love, men tend to be okay with using masturbation as a method to relax when they can't do what the love to do the most with the one they love.  Erica wouldn't even talk to me last night or this morning after hearing that I had a personal release a couple times this week already and didn't say up late (I've been getting to work late and really can't afford to be late anymore) to make love with her.  Who's being selfish?  Am I the asshole that won't make love to my lover because I have responsibilities that I am upholding.  In fact, I'm the only one that is making more money and hopefully allowing her and I to go to school in the future?  I'm sorry... but there are trade offs to all this stuff.  You have to look at the big picture your are going to get lost in the details.

Might be found trying to pick his nose with an ice pick.  Where are the golden moments anymore?  Without love, there can be no trust, without trust, there can be no commitment, without commitment, you are lost.  If you can't move forward in your own life, move past your fears, you will never grow.

1-17-2012
A Facebook post last night, and you asked if I had anything to talk about?  Do you really think I'd check Facebook in between getting us cigarettes? Lately you've been telling me when you are drunk, and you've barely mentioned it when sober, that you'd like for me to "break the words out of your heart".  I don't understand this, I mean I do, but, I don't.  I've sent you very romantic words, and my spoken words, while scientific usually or whimsical, aren't the most romantic things anyone can say.  Plus, it isn't like I don't say romantic things.  I say a lot of romantic stuff.  I don't understand.  I know I've said it before, but, I'm really really getting tired of this.  Maybe if I keep journaling this stuff, I'll be able to force myself to act some day when I know that this isn't it.  As it is, this is just a crack in the surface, no telling how far this reaches.

1-23-2012
After reading a friend's Facebook post you mention to me that you think that I couldn't live without my phone.  Granted it is about as a part of my life as my job... I'm still not married to it and certainly don't have any plans to.  I think robots make pretty poor lovers, not to say I don't love them, I just don't think they love me.  It is more of a duty for the robot.  Do you think my love is out of duty?  Why on earth do you think I choose you.  Why am I left in such a divided mood?  More on this later.

 1-27-2012
You black out at a party after you call me to hang out with the crew.  Slap me twice.  You desire to drive away/leave so I have to stay with you in my car because you won't get out yourself.  So I sleep in the car for about 2 hours before we go inside.

2-1-2012
We actually have a great night, you visit with my office buddies and we all drink and laugh a bit.  We decide to spontaneously go to the Bad Fish concert, also great!  We drink for a bit, two pitchers after the two 25 oz beers at Bengals.  By the last or second to last song you have to go up to the stage and so I hold our spot, then you come back ask why I was there... don't listen to my answer... start talking about how we should just break up?!?  The rest of the night was just you randomly mentioning in different ways that we should break up.  I have no idea what started it.  I'm so lost here.  I don't even know what to do. 

There's a lot that can be said around giving of yourself.

What I want to give out to the universe more than anything is my eternal gratitude for everything I have been given. 

 The things though, are not as important as how you treat them.  For how you treat them is how they treat you, maybe more how they respect you, but, those are almost synonymous.  The parts of life that complete are all around me.

As I can see, I am quite lucky. 

How much do you deserve?

How much should you wait for things to happen?

How upset should you be when it doesn't work the way you intended?

The answer to these rests in one thing, how much are you contributing to it in the first place?  Everyone has to contribute to get anything out of life, rarely are people of a position that they can just eat the fat of life without ever getting into the kill.  Those that don't have to get into the grind of life are usually allow such a break by those around them that give them this prestigious position.  Prestige is a great idea for those of worth, and usually they are due their worth.  Either by family member handing it down in the name, or by self actualized gain.  To take prestige or, to force others to give you prestige or undo praise, is a failure at life.  Know your role, know why are doing something and have purpose in it.

Moving.  The world is always moving.  There's a momentum that exists as a part of the greater system, and intrinsically as a part of all the rest of the systems.

In any system when you derive or syphone off, nay, convert the energy - you loose part of what drives the system.

I propose that in the greater system we are capable of siphoning the very energy that drives our planet / sun interaction.  Maybe even the whole solar system if we were to evolve so much.

See, in the system were we use magnets to spin and use energy in the air and rolling with the air, you magnetize the cables in such a way to the residual change is nominal.  You average electric motor.

Now in a a system in where you could funnel all of the electricity of a lighting strike into a power cell of such immense holding, the change would be a loss of residual electrons and positrons in the environment.  Does our sun partially cause lighting?  Very possibly.  Would holding that and storing it cause a change in our planet's interaction with the Sun?  Maybe.

Take in account for the changing of the from of carbon chain in its various forms (oil, coil, etc), the impedes a very noticeable living system.

Obviously by observing the observable alone we change our environment, and by using and manipulating it, we again cause a similar effect, how can we then use and make one with the environment without bending it over backwards?  In this last case I mean environment omnigorically.  That might be a new word, but what I intend to convey is the idea that your environment also contains you.

NOTE: I wrote this some time ago, and just now I am releasing it to the net.  Gotta let the emo / anger breath a little. 

You want some of my time?

You.

You think that you deserve some of the time that is mine always,
that I can give to you if I feel you are worthy, you want to consume me?

May I warn thee:

To consume me before I am ready to know you results in a most bitter meal.  In fact I am so jealous of my time I near fury when I realized I might have wasted some of it.  Might sound odd, but it wasn't too long ago that I didn't have this problem and I might say I didn't care much at all about time or being on time.  Now, again, it is one of the most important things to me.  I have friends to thank for this.  They realized that I was aloof and merely resting in the eddy's of the current life.  They fashioned new timely souls for my vessel; little did they know how my spirit uses such forecast ed ailments.

That and working air conditioning, we can see how fast that is changing.  Car - nope.  House - not my room yet. 

My time, me, me, me, meeeeeeee.  I am selfish with me, I can't share myself with you without resenting it.

My goals, my loves, my time.

Get yourself some of your own, we can share ourselves with each other... but this me do for you when you do no do just kills me.

My time is valuable for men and women wish to use it.  I am a fixer, a repair technician with a mission to love.

Spread it out, smother it over, get it working.  My mind, my hands, my heart are all conditioned for the mission.

Missionary is too hairy, I'd rather deal with digital.  The I/O isn't imaginary.

You can have a piece.  A flavor savor you should endeavor - keep on your tongue, the flavor might be fun, it won't be around very often hun.

Waste not, want not, appreciate what is given, appreciate whats hidden for you never know what when into what came to you.

My heart the martyr won't let me live without finding my cup less without with my not having had it.  If I can't share, then I don't feel whole.  This is the calm of peace, the resting of pieces, the relaxation of places.  Such is my circle of energy and balance of life, gladly, I recognize that it is a changing thing, like the seasons, I am waiting for reasons that I can't be jealous anymore.  Either too busy to be jealous or too comfortable to care, until then, my future, my calendar, I stare.

Spontaneity
A novel naivety
that pleasantry

Wit, derived from choice happen-stance.

Through coordinated motion, entrance.

This skill for the inny is rather foreign.  It is to easy to spend the rest of the time thinking about it or weighing the options and waning down to minimal random.

Through these motions a enrapture is formed.  Trust is bonded and expanded vision is seen.

How and what do you create random with you really don't know random?

The only answer I know to this is to try to get to know the one of your enamour, you look for cues, for hints to thinks that you both would recognise.  Maybe concepts, or jokes on concepts, especially if you find puns to be some of the higher grades of humour out there.

In my minds eye, I think it no different than the reason we are all here.  To come to greater understanding, love, and provide for future.

On a completely random note, has anyone else looked so close at the pixels on their laptop that they see each one plainly yet there is that center waiver and wondered if anyone else has ever done that.  Or that random floaty thing in your eye (its the blood vessels from when you were a baby).  That keeps me up at night.

that I've been doing better?

I am doing better.  Two jobs, those are the ones that pay me every two weeks like clockwork.  It's kinda of nice.  The other job is for the boss that I live with now.  He's been one of the coolest people in my life, doing things that I would've never expected him to.  Seeing a life and a future that's akin to an age old friend; one even from previous lifetimes.  This makes him not only a brother, but a father, and a friend.  It's great, but once you have flown the coup, you must stay outside the nest.  My real Dad wants me to live with him but to change the fiber of who I am to accomplish that.  Not what I am willing to do.

Ya, this ones not going to be all fun and games.  Kind of wish it was, hopefully I can end it that way.

What are you willing to do to get what you want?

Change your religion to get desired result in life?

Change who you are to be better accepted?

Change your look so people feel more at ease around you?

Once I learned that I had a certain way that I appreciated, it became my future and my say on how things develop.

This is true for anyone realizing method and the way.  It is you whom you must be and not that which people wish to form you into.  Surveying their logic to see why they gave such advice, applying positive suggestion where possible, can help you see you might agree with their point of view.  If you can't comprehend their motive then pray-tell that they would listen to you.

I can honestly say, if someone is not going to listen to me, then I may never listen to them.  When taught to communicate, I learned that one must ask or illicit information on the topic that the person is talking about to ensure they know that you are interested.  I find this funny as most people don't do this.  They generally give a synopsis for their thought on the matter in a matter of fact sort of way.  Like their statement has total relevance and that their opinion is in fact correct.

Your parts are nothing more than the parts of our whole and you are merely looking at your arm and calling it all of your body.  You are not looking in the mirror.  Imagine a whole universe seeing itself in reflection and how it would be able to achieve and understand of what it was viewing.  Singularity.  Such a concept is mathematically difficult to comprehend and even further in human understanding to really know the state of matter that would be produced in such an effect.

In my search to better myself I have finally been contacted by my first head hunter.  A man contacted me via email and I responded quickly and surely.  We are working to move myself into a company near the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri.  It sounds like quite a wonderful offer.  Several servers, the network, security, system resource management, and user support tier ii or iii probably.  The offer has been made to get me certifications and other glorious wondrous rewards.  May this door lead to a great opening and forward movement in my life.  I wish to use this opening to dawn new futures of my lives and make this world a better place.  As settlers of old set out into Oklahoma to claim their land and stake their name for the future of their family, I too wish to bring about all their is and can be for me.  Selfishly, I want.  Gladly I will give.

The habitated space between from whence you left to hence you arrive begins with meditated thought.

It could be said that, in the end, is how much you did with how little.

The sunlight billows into the airs
Stirring thought throughout,
The buzz I feel as waves that
Prickle and tickle the hairs.

Intelligence as its own energy
Moves through the warming bodies
Degrees bringing together
Acute understanding synergy.

The populous courts with empty
Judgment for none can perceive
The true motivation or
Have divine coordination pity.

Draw into me you, make my heart
Warm with the growth and understanding
Of eons and worlds of thought,
Compassion, and care from the start.

What is important is not that you give everything,
Instead that you don't hold everything to yourself.
What is important is not that you love everything,
Instead that you don't love only yourself.
What is important is not that you wish all to all,
Instead that you don't only think of you.

Open heart invites love
Open lives welcome care
Open ideas share wealth

For you I give me openly
For us I share unconditionally
For all I wish only the best.